


Five more miles till the road runs out

by tisktisk (PornyZiallFeels)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, background lirry, the others are mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-12
Updated: 2014-04-12
Packaged: 2018-01-19 01:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1450804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PornyZiallFeels/pseuds/tisktisk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn is all existential about his impending graduation and gains perspective from an unlikely source</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five more miles till the road runs out

**Author's Note:**

> This super un-beta'd sorry I've been really sick these last few days, head foggy on meds but last night i couldn't sleep and finished this but wasn't of the soundest of minds to do my usual read through so i apologize for my attempts at an American Au bc Zayn still talks sort British-y lol so just assume Zayn moved to American from Britain sometime before his freshman year and thus still has an accent and Niall literally just moved from Ireland to LA.
> 
> inspired by Ed Sheeran's cover of [Swim Good ](http://youtu.be/gk00_CHyd_g) by Frank Ocean.
> 
> ***Trigger warnings for suicidal thoughts ***

_Kick off my shoes_

_and swim good_

_and swim good_

_Take off this suit_

_and swim good_

_and swim good_

Zayn didn’t know what the fuck he was doing here

It was the night before their high school graduation and where was he? Why at the house party of someone he’s barely talked to the entire four years of high school Louis Tomlinson of course, Louis used to hook up regularly Liam’s current boyfriend Harry so Zayn was invited by association but with Liam busy marking his territory or whatever it was he was doing playing shadow to Harry which is sort of hilarious to watch especially since this Louis bloke couldn’t seem less bothered by the possessive look in Liam’s eyes and instead keeps trailing his own eyes up and down Liam’s body like he’s got some plans for the end of the night and they include Liam and Harry both in his bed.

But soon even that gets old when he realizes now it’s just him, sitting there alone. Zayn’s not unpopular –which is a wonder given that he’s never gone out of his way to make friends in fact he would reckon that his quiet stand offish manner would turn people away if anything, but perhaps in this modern world and it’s shallow thinking, it’s enough that he’s attractive to make people accept and like him, so while there are people here he could probably go talk to or at the very least sit in companionable silence with, interrupted only by the sound of them sipping their drinks, he’d really rather not.

Instead he lets the alcohol he’s already consumed tonight take its course driving his brain in the exact direction he’d come here tonight to avoid. Graduation and how it’s approach. He’s freaking out and it’s probably not unheard of this day and age for an eighteen year old to have an existential break down but he’s never felt more alone, all the teen movies and TV shows he’s watched growing up and yet he still felt helplessly unprepared for what lay ahead of him.

 This would be his last summer, his last three months of life as he’s known it. His last summer stocking shelves at the local grocery store—off to college in the fall but then what? He had no idea what he was going to major in the only thing that ever made him happy, made him feel alive was art and as his father continuously drilled into his head that was no way to earn a living. He also liked to sing in the shower, alone in his room, that one time when his ten year old cousin had begged him to sing her Michael Jackson at her birthday party but again the likelihood of him actually making it as a singer were just slim enough to add to his feeling of hopelessness.

So here he was nursing a lukewarm beer sitting at the edge of the Tomlinson’s pool with his feet dangling in the water. He stares down into the water, rippling with every move his feet make and spares a fleeting thought of what if someone were to come up behind him and shove him in, not knowing he couldn’t swim. Would they laugh on as he flailed around sputtering? Would they be able to make out that he couldn’t swim before it was too late or would this be it? Would almost graduating high school be his only lot in life?

It’d sure make things a lot easier.

He was sort of surprised not many people were out here actually. It was an unseasonably cool night for a May night in LA sure, but _nobody_ was in the water which was unheard of and the few people milling about outside were mostly lounging in chairs or laying in the grass of the Tomlinson’s backyard passing around a joint and jamming out to the acoustic guitar of this blonde bloke with a charming Irish lilt to his voice, singing Justin Bieber of all things but he was good Zayn noted as he bobbed his head to the song, still staring down into the turquoise abyss.

Then it happens and the sad thing is it was an honest to god accident. Some drunken idiot stumbled into him, knocking him off balance and into the water and Zayn has just enough time to hear the cheer and laughter of the few people by the pool before he hits the water.

He always imagined he’d struggle a bit, at least _try_ and fight his way back to the surface but he doesn’t he’s never been under water before, always too afraid he’d never rise back to the top no matter how shallow the water but now with his eyes and nose burning from the chlorine—the noise of the party far away until it was nearly muted as he sank deeper into the pool he felt nothing but peace, finally. His thoughts just seemed to have stopped along with his ability to breathe and it was nice, what had he been so afraid of all his life, drowning? If this was drowning then fuck it let him do.

Zayn doesn’t know exactly how long he’s been in the water but his vision is starting to cloud and his head feels heavy, like he’s falling asleep but he’s not panicking—sort of relishes what’s coming next for the first time in forever he’s not afraid, he’s found his acceptance.

But of course that’s the moment he hears a loud splash as someone hits the water and he feels the ripples as someone makes their way over to him, reaching him they hook their arms under his pits and push off from the bottom of the pool, hauling him up to the surface and he wants to fight them, give them a bit of a struggle to let them know they needn’t bother, he doesn’t need saving but it’s too late they break the surface and Zayn tries to gasp for air on instinct but he can’t there’s too much water in his lungs so he just chokes and gargles until he’s pulled from the pool and laid down on his side. He coughs up water while someone moves between gently patting his back and rubbing soothing circles into it then a wet body is crawling beside him and Zayn thinks he’s going to cough up more than just water—feels like he’s going to be sick when he meets big concerned blue eyes, wet and inky and so unreal, they’re gorgeous, familiar and unfamiliar all at the same time.

His eyes trail down the face, pale white but marred with red botches from the effort of swimming, of saving him, Zayn realizes. His eyes lock on the boy’s mouth moving but he can’t hear a sound, he’s still got so much water in his ears everything sounds like white noise but it’s almost hypnotic watching those lips form words that Zayn doesn’t bother to try and decipher, his lack of response causing further worry to etch itself on the boy’s face.

The boy Zayn knows is named Niall, he’s an odd case because he transferred to their school his senior year which is just a tough break but his father got a transfer or some shit, Liam had told him because Zayn got all his gossip from Liam who everyone just told stuff to, it had to be his trusting eyes he was almost sure of it, but yeah Zayn had barely paid attention until he’d bumped into the boy himself.

Met those intense blue eyes and nearly dropped the books he’d just picked up for the lad all over again because he’s in a word beautiful and Zayn had known he wasn’t completely straight all his life but he hadn’t really done much about it up to that point aside from letting his eyes linger on a sweaty shirtless lad a beat longer than was appropriate and eyeing a bloke’s arse on occasion.

It helped that his best mate was Liam who had been out since he was thirteen. Nothing ever happened between them because by the time Zayn came out too during sophomore year Harry had just broken things off with Louis for good and he and Liam made things official, not that Zayn ever wondered about what might’ve been either. Liam and Harry were ridiculously good together, good _for_ each other and while Liam always used to make comments about how fit Zayn was with a honesty that couldn’t be faked or brushed off Zayn somehow didn’t think it went any deeper than that and he was ok with that, he loved Liam but it was beyond the love you had for someone you fancied it was a lifelong bond of the soul that he wouldn’t trade for anything.

But that also left like no one for Zayn to bother to or even _want_ to hook up with—sure there was Harry’s ex Louis who was fit and interesting but a little too wild for Zayn’s tastes, besides he was a bit of a slag and was most recently rumored to be hooking up with a uni boy he met while touring schools a few months back named Grimmy. It was a very open relationship but Zayn just wasn’t comfortable getting caught up in something like that.

So he wasn’t expecting the feelings that shot through him at simply making eye contact with Niall.

The thing is that first initial meeting where they bumped into one another exchanging awkward apologies and shy smiles that was pretty much the beginning and end of their interactions. Even though they had quite a few friends in common, Niall though new to school had the kind of magnetic personality you were just drawn to so he was an instant hit among the student’s of their school and the more popular Niall became the more Zayn distanced himself from him.

He’d done a good job of it too managing not to exchange more than a handful of words with the blonde the whole school year, completely ignoring the butterflies that took flight within him at even the briefest of eye contact made, tried not to care about the stories of Niall hooking up with Josh or Barbara because apparently Niall’s acceptance of everyone and all walks of life extended to his bedroom.

Yet here he was being saved by someone that shouldn’t give a single fuck about him, here Niall was speaking slowly as if to a small child or a dementia patient, pronouncing each syllable of each word until Zayn could finally focus on what he was saying.

“…ya alright mate?” Zayn blinked owlishly and tried to nod but his head still felt a bit like it was full of lead.

“Yeah.” He croaked and fuck his throat sounded as raw as it felt; he cleared it painfully and tried again. “Yeah I’m good.”

“That’s good.” The blonde nodded ever so casually. “That’s good.” He repeated _too_ casually really because not a moment later he was punching Zayn in the shoulder, face now completely flushed with anger as he glared down at him. Zayn yelped in pain and fuck man he just nearly died you think a guy would get a recovery period before an onslaught of abuse.

“The fuck man?” He hissed glaring right back and then softened when he read the fear in the blonde’s eyes and wow he hadn’t seen that coming.

“You didn’t even move man…didn’t _try_ to surface at all Zayn.” Zayn felt his throat tighten as he took in Niall’s genuine concern, he couldn’t swim he wanted to say but he knew that wasn’t the only reason he hadn’t made any effort to save himself. He hoped Niall couldn’t see through him.

“I can’t! I can’t swim.” He gasped his chest feeling like there was a ton of bricks on it that had nothing to do with the water still in it. The blonde’s eyes narrowed further until finally he sighed out a shaky breath, running an unsteady hand through his blonde locks.

“Fuck alright but you could’ve tried, if we’d seen you struggle a bit maybe we would’ve known that and jumped in sooner.” Before he could stop himself Zayn was sneering out:

“Maybe I didn’t fucking _need_ you knowing it, maybe I didn’t _want_ to be saved.” He hadn’t meant to say that out loud but it was too late, the words were out there and the small crowd of three that still circled him gasped. The hand the pretty blonde girl who he remembered had a crush on him back in freshman year, Perrie had been rubbing his back with halted as she looked up to meet the eye of her friend Jade the two of them communicated for less than a moment before making the decision to disappear, leaving Zayn and Niall alone.

“What do you mean you didn’t want to be saved?”

“Like it’s any business of yours.”

“Right maybe I should go find Payno then? Think I saw him ducking into a bedroom with Harry and Tomlinson before coming out here but I’ve got no qualms about cock blocking.”

“No! Fuck no that’s not…just _don’t_ ok?”

“Well then guess you’re stuck with me then.”

“I could just refuse to talk and we sit here in awkward silence until you give up and leave me alone.”

“We could, but I won’t be giving up and leaving…not with you acting off and talking shit.”

“Shit? I tell you I pretty much want to drown myself and you call that talking shit.”

“So is that what you trying to do then? Drown yourself?”

“No—not like initially, at first it was an accident, Ed the awkward ginger who can’t hold his drink for shit, he knocked me in.”

“Right yeah, heard some people cheer about that, first person pushed in and all that, I reckon more people would’ve followed shortly if not for, you know, circumstances.” He shrugged and gestured for Zayn to continue.

“And well I don’t know I’ve never gone under water before, always fearing for you know my life—guess I’m just weird like that. So I had no idea how peaceful and quiet it was down there. It was like I was in another world even where the music, the crowds, all of it, _none_ of it could reach me and with the shit that’s been weighing me down lately it was just what I needed.”

“What shit?”

“Oh you know our impending future—adulthood what have you.” He waved a hand dismissively but the way his breath quickened caused the blonde to reach out and land a steadying hand on the darker boy’s hip.

“Is that all?” He asked and Zayn had a mind to shove him into the pool at his indifferent tone.

“Is that all? Do you not realize how fucking terrifying the future is? Not knowing what’s around the bend.”

“Sure it is but you’ve got that art scholarship yeah? So that bit is sort of set for you no?”

“You’d think but my dad he doesn’t want me studying art, says it’s a waste of time.”

“So that’s what this is really about then.”

“What?”

“You’re not scared of the future, you’re scared that you won’t be able to have the future you want, that you’ll be stuck studying for four years or so only to end up working some hoity-toity desk job for the rest of your life. Like your dad I presume?”

That wasn’t fair, Niall wasn’t allowed to barely know him and know him better than anyone else all at the same time, it was uncanny and made Zayn’s skin itch just a bit as he avoided those dark knowing blue eyes in favor of staring into the pool, already missing the calm it held.

~*~

The next day they graduate and Zayn feels nothing but dread as his name is called and he trudges across the stage, shaking his principal’s hands before slinking back off again

They’re the longest thirty seconds of his life.

Afterward he hugs his parents goodbye, claiming to be off to a post grad party at Harry’s which isn’t a lie exactly the dimpled boy is holding a party at his place, Zayn just has no intentions of going to it, instead he gets in his car and drives to the nearest beach, steering with one hand as he undoes his tie with the other. He parks crookedly and hops out the vehicle, tossing his cap and gown in the back seat before taking off for the water, shedding his suit and shoes along the way until he’s standing in just his grey briefs, flinching as the chilly water sloshes up to his feet, sea foam bubbling over his toes and washing back out again.

He stares out at the vast ocean and thinks _take me with you_.

Zayn takes a single step forward before a throat clears behind him and he jumps. Turing to find Niall standing there, having lost his own gown and suit jacket as well he stood there in his fitted slacks, crisp white button down—tie askew and thrown over his shoulder.

“Back at it again I see.”

“You followed me?” Zayn grumbled astonished.

“Yeah.” Niall confesses with a shrug.

“But how you don’t have a car.”

“Lucky for you Josh and I had a trip up in the mountains planned for after graduation, we were going to ride the trails on our bikes.”

“You rode yer bike after me?”

“Yeah.” He says again.

“But why, I’m not…I’m not worth it mate.”

“Maybe not to you, look Zayn I don’t have the answers you’re looking for, no one does. Life’s sort of mysterious in that way you kind of have to you know live it to find out how it’s going to end there’s no spoilers I’m afraid…but isn’t that the beauty in it? That there’s no real set course for how you’re to live it. You want to study art or music fuck what anyone else says and do it, even if they’re right and you don’t get a job straight away doesn’t mean you won’t eventually and you’ll have enjoyed the ride a hell of a lot more than if you study business or whatever it is yer pops wants you to. Find what makes you happy Zayn you’re only 18 you’ve got time, this isn’t it.”

 “Are you saying all this just because you couldn’t live with me drowning myself in your conscience or summat?”

“Not _just_.”

“You don’t even know me, why do you care?”

“I don’t know _much_ about you but I know enough…know you’re an insanely talented artist—took first place in that state wide art competition and got yourself a scholarship to one of the best art schools in California didn’t you? I know you have a big heart and are constantly doing charity work whether it’s collecting canned goods for earthquake relief or volunteering at the local animal shelter, I know you’re pretty rubbish at sports but you still go down to the park every weekend and assist Liam and his Da coaching/refereeing peewee soccer because you’ve got a sister on the team, you’re a better man than your give yourself credit for Zayn and you’ve touched a lot of lives, more people than you know would be affected by you not being in it, think of them Zayn yeah?”

“I…”

“You’re also pretty fit, it’s low on the list but I’d be remiss if I didn’t at least mention the fact that I’ve had a massive crush on you for nearly a year now.”

“You what?”

“I know, I know we’ve barely spoken more than a handful of words to each other how can I stand here and claim to have a crush right? Well I’m doing it anyhow. God you probably don’t even remember it but we bumped into each other my first day and you helped me with my books…I don’t know we didn’t even like speak that day, not really and yet I couldn’t get you off my mind for weeks after. I’d gone around asking anyone and everyone about you, didn’t even know yer name called you the gorgeous boy with the caramel eyes. It was your eyes that really stuck with me or maybe yer shy little smile but I wanted to know ya, only you seemed to actively avoid being around me and I know how to take a hint so I stopped trying but I never really stopped _looking_ , never stopped listening in whenever your name came up in random conversations, didn’t stop me from buying one of yer smaller submissions for the art contest, I’m probably coming off as some kind of stalker right now but I swear I’m not you’re just amazing and it baffles me how you don’t _see_ that.”

“I remember.” Zayn said simply, not trusting his voice to hold up long enough to say more.

“What?” Niall blinked shocked eyes, watching as Zayn dug his toes deeper into the damp sand.

“You were wearing a plain white t-shirt with a green plaid shirt over it and dark blue jeans and I may not remember much because I was sort of freaking out because I didn’t believe in love at first sight but nothing else made _sense_ , the way I was feeling after meeting those dancing blue eyes of yours.”

“Shut up, you don’t mean that shit, any of it.”

“Niall, you can’t stand there claiming how wonderful I am while in the same breath tell me I’m an idiot for not knowing it and then turn around and not believe me when I tell you the _exact_ same thing.” Niall narrowed his eyes.

“Yeah well I’m not the one with the art scholarship…I’ll be lucky if I get accepted to state.”

“Doesn’t make you any less amazing—you’ve got this smile that can chase the funkiest of my moods away and a laugh I can pick out in a roomful of mindless chatter and it never fails to brighten my day. You’re not book smart but you’re _clever_ , a quick thinker and it’s a no brainer that you’re good with people, kids especially.” The blonde relaxed at this realizing that Zayn was being completely serious.

“Sounds like we’re both pretty great huh?” Zayn shrugged.

“So it would seem.”

“Only right we be good together…like maybe I could take you out sometime?” Niall asked, fidgeting from one foot to the other.

“Um…” Zayn started but was cut off by Niall tipping forward to press his chapped lips to Zayn’s warm, smooth pair. The darker boy made a surprised noise causing Niall to back away, panicked.

“Sorry—sorry I swear I’m not usually this desperate or like awkward but you just make me feel so out of my element.” Zayn brought a hand up to his lips still tingling slightly and smiled.

“Don’t be sorry, unless you’re apologizing for not kissing me right now, because I’m sort of cross about that.” Niall looked taken aback, a slow smirk unfurling on his face.

“Oh yeah?” Zayn nodded, pulling Niall in for a longer, deeper snog. When he pulled back this time Niall’s cheeks were flushed, his eyes slit, the lids heavy as if he’d literally gotten drunk off Zayn’s kiss.

“Well I’m _exactly_ this awkward all the time.” The darker boy admitted sheepishly. “But if that doesn’t like turn you off then I’d love to go out with you.”

“Mm, after a kiss like _that_ I don’t reckon there’s a single thing you could tell me about yerself that would turn me off.”

“Yeah? What do you say we go get something to eat now?” Zayn boldly suggested and Niall was dismayed to have to remind him:

“I would but I’ve got Devine waiting…”

“Oh right.” The blonde sucked his teeth sulkily.

“Fuck wish I could just cancel but we’ve both been looking forward to this for a couple of weeks now.”

“No, that’s fine you go on, I’m just going to uh…probably get roped into going to Harry’s grad party actually.”

“Isn’t that tonight?” Zayn nodded.

“Mmhm but I’m best mates with his boyfriend…makes me an automatic volunteer for pre-party decorating. Niall clucked his tongue in false sympathy.

“Sucks for you.” Zayn playfully punched him in the shoulder.

“Oi thanks, arsehole.” Niall threw his head back and laughed before pointing a finger gun at the other boy and backing away towards where he’d dropped his bike.

“Make sure you hang plenty mistletoe so I have an excuse to kiss ya yeah?” Zayn gave him a look that clearly read that he thought the blonde was a bit mad.

“It’s the middle of May...” He reminded, shaking his head, and then smirked. “Besides you don’t need an excuse.” He finished with a wink that had the blonde beaming.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading <3


End file.
